if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
