YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
