Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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