Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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