the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
