I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
