I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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