do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
