saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
soo... how was my night?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
