i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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