Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
