waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Someone shattered a urinal.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
