Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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