Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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