I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
