dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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