im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
