I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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