everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
