Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she told me i tasted like america
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
they're like a gay fantastic four
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
