It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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