I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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