do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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