guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
