im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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