I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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