Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
