So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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