1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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