his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
