Define "chronic" masturbator.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize