we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
