If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
