shes about as inviting as chlamydia
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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