Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
