Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
