I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
