note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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