yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
