thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize