and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
