Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
