Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
