dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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