When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
