I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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