I wish I could punch you in the face.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize