Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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