if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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