I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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