just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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