VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
