Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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