Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
