your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
