omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
